I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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