What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
