i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
