Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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