On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
