I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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