if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
