apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
