Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
someone owes me an orgasm
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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