By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are we still banned from the library?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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