I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
