He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
