My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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