I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
