When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
3pm strippers are depressing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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