If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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