Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
