I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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