So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
