Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What a dumb baby whore.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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