the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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