I just pynch a tree in the face
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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