Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
