TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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