Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
