Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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