Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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