He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
