dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
