Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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