he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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