You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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