i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
