So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
