I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
