her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
