So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
