Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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