um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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