I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
