I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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