She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
