so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
