My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
