i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
