Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
