just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
