There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I love having hate sex.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
