I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just found a bag of teeth...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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