My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
