I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
