Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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