No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
