You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
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