Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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