Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
