Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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