i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
