that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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