I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
