I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
