2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
