my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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